The Secret Language of Feelings
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Why People Do Such Crazy Stuff – They Feel Bad and then Distract (Eat Too Much, Drink Too Much, Sex Too Much, Etc.) - Episode 1

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Hello everybody,

Hey this is Cal Banyan, this is the Secret Language of Feelings program. Today I’m going to tell you why people do such crazy stuff. Why do people eat to much, drink too much, smoke too much, shop too much, sex too much, work too much and all of those too much behaviors, and while I’m at I’m going to give you an overview of what the Secret Language of Feelings is really all about, so keep listening.

Today I’m going to talk about why people do such crazy stuff, why they eat to much, drink to much, smoke to much, eat to much, oh I already said that, woe, when they do all that too much behavior and while I’m at I’m going to start giving you an overview of the whole system of The Secret Language of Feelings, learn this and you’ll have an unfair advantage over everyone.

Alright, thanks for sticking with us now let me tell you what; today I’m just, I’m almost overwhelmed I just have so much stuff to cover. Once again, this is Cal Banyan I’m the author of the book The Secret Language of Feelings, used by enlightened hypnotherapists and hypnotists, counselors, hypnosis professionals and colleges all around the country. You can get the book The Secret Language of Feelings, on our website or even on To participate in the discussion you’ll want to go to You’ll find a group there where people are talking about the application of the Secret Language of Feelings.

So what is the Secret Language of Feelings? It’s way of understanding the wisdom of emotions, a wisdom that was never meant to be kept secret. A greater wisdom than you or I decided that we should feel a certain way, when we’ve made certain perceptions.

So, let me get right into it, why do we do such crazy, stuff? Why do people eat when they don’t want to be eating, drink alcoholic beverages when it is ruining their lives, and so on? I’ll tell you the truth they have a feeling inside themselves that they don’t like, they feel angry, sad, lonely, frustrated, or even depressed, and guess what we’ve been told all of our lives that we shouldn’t feel that way. We’ve learned to deny, to repress, to ignore and to just forget all about it and one of the ways we’ve learned to do that is by simply putting our attention on something else.

Let me give you an example, if you are a little boy and you start to feel sad, I mean really sad and you’re starting to have those big old alligator tears come down, you know what’s likely to happen, well, if you have an evil stepfather like I did, he might come up to you and say, hold up his fist and say, that’s all right keep it up, I’ll give you something to cry about and what happens, we learn to suck it all inside, and say oh I’m ok I’m not crying I’m alright.

Let’s talk about if you’re a little girl, take a little girl she’s got some friends over and their playing a game on the floor, nice little board game and she begins to suspect that somebody isn’t playing fair she might stand up, put her hands on her hips and say you stop that that’s not fair she ‘s angry and her face turns red and then her mother might come in and say hey, you play nice, if you can’t play nice, you’re not going to play at all and she’ll just stuff that feeling down and say ok, mommy I’ll play nice, later on in her life she might be scolded for becoming angry, she might be teased by her girlfriends, she might be told oh, gosh that’s attractive and one of her friends might counsel her and tell her you know what if you go around getting angry like that nobody’s going to want to date you and so over and over we get the feeling that we better not feel bad in fact we begin to feel bad for feeling bad, we suck it up and we just deny it.

Here’s another example of what can happen, imagine that there’s a mother or a father walking down the sidewalk with their child, could be just, just a toddler just learning to talk, just learning to walk, just in that very beginning stages of life on a beautiful day outside walking thru the neighborhood and everything is so beautiful, and then what happens an uneven part of the sidewalk and the little kid plop, falls down and whaa, whaa, what do you hear crying and crying and you know what ,the mother wants to just get that kid to stop crying and if she has a cookie or cracker or doughnut in her, she is going to plug that thing right into the kids mouth and the kids going to go whaa and that little plug goes in there that cookie or that cracker and the mother says shhh, quiet, be good, it’s ok and the child learns in this moment to begin to distract him or herself from her feelings or his feelings thru distraction.

Let me tell you something all feelings are good when their coming from accurate perception, but that’s not what you learned, you learn to deny, repress and otherwise not feel your feelings and to not feel your feelings thru a process of distraction, feel bad distract. Before I get into that you are going to hear me use two words kind of interchangeably, now I might talk about feelings, I might talk about emotions and basically as I go on thru this program, they’re pretty much the same thing, technically.

Let me tell you a little bit about myself and where this all came from, what I’m talking about doesn’t come from some stuffy old graduate school somewhere, some dusty old book that says psychology on it or counseling. It comes from thousands of hours of working with clients who are in hypnosis, and when they’re in hypnosis I can speak directly to the subconscious mind and find out what’s going on. Using a number of different techniques, might be simple dialogue, or it might be age regression techniques, parts work, these kinds of things have allowed me to really get in there and understand why people are having their problems.

Now, what basically happens is an individual has a perception, the individual sees something go on, and then he or she gives it meaning, this meaning occurs in the subconscious mind, if the meaning is understood to mean that the situation is just been perceived is going to lead to the fulfillment of a need, want or desire, then your subconscious mind will start creating very good feelings.

Actually, what happens is there is an interaction between the subconscious mind, which is the place where all of your memories are stored along with your beliefs and habits, and the unconscious mind. Now, the unconscious mind is the part of your mind that regulates and controls your body, when you have a perception, the meaning that you get from that perception is that you are going to be able to fulfill a need, want or desire, and then the unconscious mind, the part that controls the body, starts to make you feel good. You feel good when you’re happy, you feel good when you’re in a state of gratitude, and you feel good when you’re in a state of joy. Now, that’s the good feelings, but sometimes we have feelings that are painful, we call bad feelings, how does that come about? Again, you have a perception in the subconscious mind that meaning is a sign to that perception, and the meaning is that you’re either going to be able to fulfill a need ,want or desire or not, if the case is not, what’s going to happen is there is an automatic interaction between the subconscious mind and the unconscious mind.

Once again the unconscious mind is the part that regulates your body and the unconscious mind will bring on physical feelings that don’t feel good, sadness doesn’t feel good, anger doesn’t feel good, frustration, depression, loneliness; all of these feelings don’t feel good. They’re actually emotionally painful.

So back to this question what’s the difference between emotions and feelings? Emotions are generated in the subconscious mind but really we are not aware of how we are feeling until we feel them in our body and so when our unconscious mind interacts with the meaning that’s being assigned to what we perceive in the subconscious mind we begin to feel, the unconscious mind begins to make us feel bad, could be angry sadness, loneliness, frustration, depression, guilt, what ever, alright.

So then, we’ve been told that we shouldn’t feel bad. In the thousand hours of work that I conducted with hypnotized clients I’ve discovered that there are specific causes to these behaviors, such as eating too much, drinking too much, smoking too much and so on and what is it? It is the feel bad distract cycle.

Now before we get into that, too much detail, I want to make sure you understand something, all feelings are good, anger is good, sadness is good, loneliness is good, all these feelings are good when they’re based on actual perception.

So, first of all we have the perception, if that perception is accurate then a meaning will be assigned to it that is accurate and you will have accurate emotions. For example, if you see something going on and you perceive that situation as being dangerous then you’re going to feel fearful and your unconscious mind will start generating feelings in the body that are associated with what, with fear. For example, you might have the experience of fight or flight.

Psychologists like to call it the fight or flight reflex and what is that really, the unconscious mind releases chemicals into the body like adrenaline and your body might start to tremble or shake or your muscles might start to twitch and tighten. Your cognitive faculties speed up and you decide very quickly whether you need to fight to protect yourself or what runaway, flight.

So, what I really want you to understand here is all feelings are good when their based in reality. So if you perceive a situation to be dangerous, you need to feel fearful, your body starts to engage in a way that prepares you to respond to the dangerous situation a way that can protect you, the things, and the people you care about. However, if that perception was inaccurate then that fear is an erroneous fear, it shouldn’t be happening, it shouldn’t be happening at all. If you feel afraid when your perceptions are not based in reality, then we have a useless ignorant feeling that is fear.

Alright; so now we’ve got that going on. Cal, why do people do such crazy stuff? This is why, they feel bad, they’ve been told, trained, and it’s been drilled into them that they shouldn’t feel bad and if they do they certainly shouldn’t bother anyone else with those feelings, by crying or getting upset and so we’ve learned to repress them somewhere in our life, probably through teaching or modeling, we’ve learned that we can distract ourselves, and by distracting ourselves control the emotions. What do drinkers do when they get angry or upset, what do over eaters do when they get angry or upset, frustrated or lonely? You see when, what happens is we feel bad distract, smokers smoke, drinkers drink, eaters eat and workaholics work, and so on, feel bad distract.

These feelings that we experience when we’re perceiving that our needs, wants or desires are not going to be met, I’m going to call those primary feelings, because later on I’m going to talk about secondary feelings and so on. But whenever we perceive a situation as not meeting our needs wants and desires we are going to feel bad. Those bad feelings are things like anger, sadness, loneliness, all of those kinds of things, guilt and so on. Because we’ve been trained not to respond to those things in a satisfying way but rather to distract we get into a cycle of eating too much, drinking too much, smoking too much and so on.

So, what I’d like you to do is in your minds just kind of make a drawing on the wall, and on that wall there is a sad face, and then what I’d like you to do is draw an arrow from that sad face to the word distract. The distracter could be eating too much, smoking too much, drinking too much, and smoking too much whatever it is. What happens is, is while you’re engaging in the distracting feeling you feel better, by simply taking your mind off of what was bothering you, but the problem is as soon as you stop doing the problem behavior you wind up right back, (now you can draw another arrow back from the distracter to the sad face) you see, feel bad distract. As soon as you get done distracting, feel bad.

Now what does this do, what this does is it causes us to start thinking about the distracter again, think about this here you are, you’re upset about something, and you decide you know what I’m going to have some rocky road ice cream that’ll make me feel better. Then you go to the freezer, you get out a bowl or rocky road ice cream and while you’re eating that you’re thinking, uhm, gosh, I do feel better, and then you get done with you, you put that bowl in the sink, and you sit down and that thing that was bothering you starts bothering you again and what are you naturally going to do you are going to start thinking about the thing that most recently made you feel better, maybe you’ll think about the rocky road ice cream, maybe you’ll think about what else is there in the refrigerator, what else is there in the cupboard, and thus as that the cycle has started again. Feel bad, distract, feel bad, distract, feel bad, distract, each time you go through that cycle it reinforces the habit, and pretty soon even before you are aware of feeling bad, your mind will just protect you from those feelings by giving you the idea, gosh, I wonder what’s in the refrigerator, or gosh, I wonder what’s in the cupboard, or gosh, I’d sure like to have a cigarette or gosh, I’d sure like to have a drink, or who’d like to go shopping with me and then what happens as soon as you get done with those behaviors the thing that was bothering you is still bothering you.

So, now I’ve got the basic, basic, part of this down, the Secret Language of Feelings says “all feelings are good,” they’re there to help and guide you, and they’re there to motivate you to do the sometimes difficult things you need to do to satisfy your needs, wants and desires. However, that’s not what we’ve been taught, we’ve been taught you need to be quiet; we need to buck up, you need to; just a stiff upper lip old boy that kind of thing, and somewhere along the line through, either modeling or teaching, we’ve learned to manage our feelings by eating too much, drinking too much, working too much, shopping too much, sexing too much, and all of these kinds of things.

So, what happens is when we engage in those kind of behaviors, as soon as we get done with the behavior we’re back to feeling bad. So, I’ve introduced this idea of distracting the distracters.

Distracters are things that we do, that briefly take our minds off of the feelings or the thing that’s making us feel bad, and as a result we feel better. That reinforces the probability that we are going to do it again, and so we do it again and again and again and it becomes a habit and we fall into the rut.

In the next program I’m going to talk about why this is so bad and how it leads to other feelings like frustration and depression. Well that’s it, I don’t know how long this one’s been but I wanted to get started with it. If you want to be in on the conversation go to the yahoo groups, if you’re listening to this program somewhere else besides the go there, we’ll have notes and other resources available to you, and we’re going to really begin to help you understand why people do things that are so crazy, and then how to really begin to live a happier more satisfying life, and here’s a hint distracting your feelings will always lead to feeling bad. What we need to do, (we’ll learn more about this in the upcoming programs) is learn how to respond to those feelings in a satisfying way and what’s going to happen is you’re going to learn how to live a happier and more satisfying life than you’ve ever lived before and because you’re going to understand why people do such crazy things. You’re going to have an unfair advantage over just about everybody you know because you’re going to have an insight to their behavior that they just don’t have.

Ok, with that much said, I’m going to end this program, I hope you enjoyed it, I hope you check back we are going to go into so many different things like the wisdom of anger, the wisdom of sadness, the wisdom of loneliness, why frustration is good and something, here is a sentence you’ve never heard before, or, can you believe it there is a thing such as normal, healthy, depression. Alright, keep checking back; once again this is Cal Banyan with the, over and out.

This recording is the Property of Cal Banyan, and Cal Banyans, Banyan Publishing Incorporated, all rights reserved may not be duplicated without written permission.

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